By Helen Kafka, Laura Hellen

A spoof of the famed Oprah-book easy Abundance and different self-help books concentrating on the modern lady.

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I'm grateful that premenstrual water retention allows me to act as a flotation device. I'm grateful that I only leaked through one layer. I'm grateful for menstruation—nature's laxative. APRIL 19th The Big Top, Missouri State Fairgrounds I'm grateful that the bearded lady stopped sending me flowers. I'm grateful that management invested in the new nets. I'm grateful that the elephant trailer is parked at the other end of the park. I'm grateful that the seltzer delivery made it just in time for Bobo's matinee performance.

I'm grateful that gravity hasn't affected my double-A bust ... not having been quite so kind to Bambi "The Bombshell" Braithwaite. I'm grateful that the cafeteria ladies can still carry off wearing a hairnet with panache. SEPTEMBER 21st Brooklyn, New York I'm grateful that when my neighbor's car alarm went off again last night, it really was being stolen this time. I'm grateful that the artistry of mime is now banned in eleven states. I'm grateful that my doctor's diagnosis was "E. coli", not "Ebola".

JULY 6th Milwaukee, Wisconsin I'm grateful that all twenty-five of us were able to fly stand-by. I'm grateful that the bus tour of the stars' homes included the birthplace of Arnold Ziffel. I'm grateful that the package included Mason Reese's marvelous performance in the summer stock production of A Clockwork Orange—The Musical. I'm grateful that the motel dry cleaner was able to locate my good Vulcan ears in time for the Trekkie potluck luau and bake sale. I'm grateful that there was no mosh pit at the Engelbert concert.

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